day five year two week fourteen

23.10.2014

torn out of the deep sleep arrived at after a restless night, take off to the bathroom, shower and brush the teeth. The shower is colder, the bathroom colder. Water condenses on all the surfaces. Carry the pyjamas back to the bedroom, find clothing.

Wait for five minutes, collect stray thoughts.

Through the building sites, now there are two. The Friday market is setting up in front of the church. Bright lights, people shouting, the first mulled wine stands.. For Christmas! Early, but maybe because the weather is so cold now.

Dolores is at the bus stop. Maybe she has her leopards him tag with her today, it is not visible in the dark. She has a dolorful aspect, as always. Pay the driver and get driven to the station ->

Quid pro quo!

New people are being trained at Yorma`s cafe, the .hedgehog, Mouistudhio!, and last, the long haired bag girl are there. On the television a team of football players to b seen with the pope in Rome. Papal Audience.

        The train is quite full, there is no perfect seat to be found. Oh well. At least it is punctual today.

Moos berg, lets the train fill. Empty platform there, full train to – Freisivg, 

day four year two week fourteen

Clatter in the dark, the sound of sleeplessness. It is three forty in the morning, son cannot sleep. At four, chatter in the dark, more sleeplessness. Wife up too.
At five time to start. This day is not like other days, it is colder.
Find clothes, wash, get up and go. White shirt today.
It is windy out, the builders tarpaulins are blowing about again. Martins church is almost naked of its scaffolding, work seems to have finished. Preservation work. Restauration work.
A newspaper blown along the cobbles by the wind. In the dim light it looks much like a large rodent scuttling across the road.
The old Dolores is at the bus stop, she has her fake leopardskin handbag with here, and she wishes a friendly good morning.
BUS

Station plaza and empty smokers square. It is cold and windy, perhaps there is some fear of cigarettes being blown out. Yorma's is slow today, the coffee itself the same as everyday. The stay café is different today, only the hedgehog is there and the rest are away.
It's cold on the platform and the train has five minutes delay.

BAH

day three year two week fourteen

22.10.2014

five.

signal, wake up. Bathroom, shower, water is good. Wash and go, ready to start, find glasses, set clock. Sit. Catch breath, ready to go.

The street is dry after that last nights storm, that caused banging of doors in the night. The two bells from the Ursuline convent, or is it st. Jodoks? sound. On the way, past the pollards defining the pedestrian zone, Martins deeper bells sound. The storm removed the awning on the front of the Martins church, uncovering the scaffolding belonging to the people restoring the entry portal. That must have been the cause for the fire brigade heard  after the storm. It was a very large tarpaulin, and it is a very large scaffolding,

The old lady is at the bus, sitting in the shelter, torn clothes, and a miserable expression. People, shop girls, pass. Maybe they work in the bakeries, there are enough of them in the main street to employ a small army. 

The bus rushing, speeds, stop a starts. The bus driver patiently tells out the change for one who boards with only a large banknote, no change.

The smoker, his rucksack, and his defiant stand on the borderline of the yellow marking, a square-reserved for those who smoke. "Mogem""Magen".

The big girl at the cafe, joking and passing the time of day, chatting with her customers. She is slow because of this. There is nothing to be said against friendliness, but who wants to wait?

a young lad with a motorcycle helmet is now in the cafe, blocking the tables. Moustaohio!, Hedgehog and the longhaired bag girl, all there, all chatting. Coffee and:

The tablet, the mornings little helper, was-forgot t today. There 'n. something written on the' description of the medicine about a serious risk of suicidal behaviour in such a case. This will be interesting.

The train is standing ready an the platform. There are not many seats free, no knowing why...

The loudspeakers explain that the tracks have been closed due to damage from last night's storms. The other half of the train has been diverted, will go a long way around..

The short train is filled to bursting at Moosburg, there are people standing in the aisles wearing bitter expressions. Will it he possible to leave the carriage without fighting the way?

Now it is time for Freising, the rest of the day will begin. 

day two year two week fourteen

21 okt 2014

flash and hiss in the dark, what was it? Four forty seven, time. Sleep and rest allowed for a further thirteen minutes. 'Bathroom, shower shave and so forth. clothes on and move. Bin day today, put it out in the street, martins bells, that huge construction crane for the rennovation job on the house opposite. The footpath is closed, due to the blockage.

Black tighted flat shoed furry scarved girl walks ahead, striding fast to the bus stop. She enters a waiting car. This drives off. The doleful woman, call her Dolores, is at the bus stop soon. 

Count the change, give it to the driver."

He gruqnts.

Fast trip to the railway station. Two smokers standing on the squares borders the one with the hair  and anotherone. Both on the borderline to illegality, but so close that theycould refer to error in case of apprehension. - 

Anastasia smiles, new T shirt, restaurant team leader now. It is well deserved, "Hedgehog, Mustachio, and the long and black-haired girl, the handbag one, are there. "Chat and joke.

Coffee only today, no messy buttered brazen. Time passes, ten minutes, platform. The train is a little bit late, but so what.

The carriage is quite empty, the atmosphere is peaceful and quiet.

Till Marburg, a crowd on that platform,-a mass of pokerfaced early-risers board the carriage...

It is Tuesday, and on Saturday we shall go to France. 

day one year two week fourteen

20.10.2014
dozy sleepless rough night. practice breathing. timeclock four fifteen

five am
   lights on
  clock off
  get up
  shower on
  shower hot
  wash hair
  wash feet
  clean teeth
  goto bedroom
  find pants
  find socks
  find trousers
  take shirt

finished clothing put the shoes on wear the belt

five thirty
 lights out
 take tablet
 down stairs
 leave house
 up street
 hear bell
 round bend
 bus stop
 see moon
 small crescent
 small pedestrian
 bus comes

find money pay the driver sit down on hard seat
 rail station
 get out
 enter building
 go to café
 one coffee
 anna staisia
 laughing girl
 take coffee
 get lid
 go to seat
 blog
 pen dry
 train time

go down the steps and up the steps and wait

train late
just wait
get in
first in
pushy people
sit down
read book
Moos burg
Fry sing
get up
get out
six forty

could go on and on till now
but won't

19OCTOBER2014

yellow ight dimly through the window morning nonevent no no need no movement locked in bed the nights choking dreams in the past cannot will not cold out no no Sounds outside is the door open? Go out look out down stairs 

son appears 

looks PORTAL NON PARTIT says in best schoolboy latin. Goes fast goes well 

old brain blank make coffee take tablet yellow light brighter sudden mind freeze .

...................................................................................

take hot drink this is a cold day in october

sat sat day

retreat from choking back lying, apnoic carryon. fear of sleeping fear of wakening apnea,fear of not wakening at all, time spent wakening is memorized, sleep time is lost to old Hypnos, would give him this due gladly. waken at the pre dawn grey sky reflection in the windows on the wall outside the bedroom window, glass reflections of-wish to get up and go thwarted by exhaustion,

hear coffee grinder sound of coffee maker son and wife disagreeing over homework sound of coffee made . get dressed get out, cup given, wife dressed up flea market day. Son telephones with friend and eats breakfast and does homework and watches television all together to the detriment of the individual activity, no quality in a rubble heap but the qualities of the heap itself.

retreat, consolidate, repair.
panic

Friday the seventeenth

upat seven widda sun.
docday today, make the coffee, find the clothing .
it is raining Catzen und Dogsen outside

tired. Son wide awake, ready to go to school.
No jacket, just that old yellow one from Ireland years ago.

feeling ill no ill feelings.
results are in go to the doctor!
exciting?

not really

more coffee,
fluoxetin.
then go.

sunny thursday

the night of bad dreams, strange dreams,dreams of showering with a garden hose, which sprays scalding hot water so that the grass turns yellow instantly.
there is little direct connection to reality.
Fall asleep after the al arm sounds.
Sleep till nine.
such rubbish.

tinny has quietened down to a mellow hiss.
coffee is made. and the wife has gone running up the hill, through the park, daily exercise.
Sit in the large room drink the coffee, tidy up the kitchen
bells ringing otside, morning services.

Aimless, target free,
no claim on anyone, no claim on me

midweek

ba
beh
no sleep night

morning awful
son to school wife up,
held by greyhead and earhissytus
held in bed
guilty
lazy!

Sleep nights you sluggard!
self recrimination does not work

wife makes coffee
wow
nice
drink it
where did the last three hours go to?
make appointments on the phone
1) results not in yet
2) in a months time
3) and four
check the mail, write these notes

due day, sick leave

last night reading, a frolic of his own, american legal system complete with references to God and State, and greed. Nightmares, dreams of people on couches at work, in the grounds, drinking beer and posing as cherubim-like Adonii. Strange, those things the head gets up to when free of immediate concern.
The son and the wife make their noises getting up for school, gone soon.
Sleep half an hour more,
get up
gas on
 coffee maker
shower
dry
gas off
coffee made
apilco cup
milk and sugar
for wife
apilco cup
no milk
no sugar
wildo

sitting room
computer
mail
nothing there
ads

drink coffee
do these notes
due daily

monday sick leave two

up late last night barenboim ninth symphony beethoven,
marvelous to hear, drums and trumpets shy and quiet, but still definite and clear.
Sleep rough forgotten dreams, listen to sons departure for schooling, wife back to bed.
get up at eight, put on the coffee, take off the night clothing, put on the days clothing and take a look at the kitchen, study the mess , the disorder. Empty that dishwasher, take in the plates, put them in the cupboard and take out last nights cutlery.
Fill the dishwasher, bring coffee to the reawakened wife and clean all those surfaces. Start the dishwasher, get a cup, drink my coffee write these notes. Listen to the head buzzing, think of de tablet and
get it
take it
nine forty nine

Sunday daygrey

wild dreams of everyday deeds broken by air gaspery and helplessness awaken bathroom back to bed,   open window let in air fresh cool to breathe back to sleep. back to dreams aircraft crash into river small river running fast motor glider with big aircraft noise splash. Fine detailed dreams of work lost all different, but the details are there real unexpected and tangible. gothic spires behind modernist buildings lost on the way to work wandering around all the changes.
at eight, awaken, grey light from the foggy morning. strange, the aircraft in the dream was in a heavy fog too.
shower taken water to hot to cold never right. find clothing get it on make coffee. son up, barely awake and turns on his computer. his fascination, maybe also addiction. big bialetti charged with water and coffee after a short walk up the balcony to empty the biological waste and as it is making and burbling writing here. the coffee is finished, wife up, get a cup and back to bed. Sunday morning, argue with son about that computer. he should be learning his latin words.

sleazy lazy saturday

to bed late, one am television, no real sleep, morning evil horrible hissy head.
stay in bed.
fall fast asleep.
Dead to the world and its petty nightmares.
twelve in the morning, wife back from market, son long up.

couch mares, dreams of the late father, discussions, terminated by ventilatory strictures,the last thought helplessness, this is not poetic this was horrible, powerless fumbling when the solution is near, weakness when so little strength would be required.
twelve in the morning, darkness is over, piano practice sounds, kitchen noises.

prepare for the rest of the day.

fifth day convalescence friday

awaken nights gasping from dreams of constriction and captivity. finally fall asleep at early dawn to be ripped out of this by the sons awakening to go to his school. Listen. He cannot find his coat in school. Good that it is a fine day.

Sleep for an hour.
up at nine,make a hot drink, inspect yesterday's plasterwork. Its ok. It will hold a few years. Good day,
sit down, write this, plan progress, note phone calls, finish plasterwork,
recovery

sunny thunderday

seems like all night, hypnos hides for spite,
tired sleepless interspersed by nightmares,
listen to the sounds, son rising, shouts,
Jacket gone again. Second jacket, left in school.
Nightmare sleep till half past eight.

Get up, loo, get dressed make coffee.
Read the sons latin textbook.
write to the office superior, where are the codes?
who cares, arrogance has run the world before.

Coffee for the wife, eat that tablet, listen to the hissing to the right.

wednestag

grey night of fragmented sleep, the sky reflects the red of the street lamps sons alarm hooting away to itself, hear son and wife talk about school
son at school, get up, take tablet and walk about the town. Meet the piano teacher, talk about the piano lessons.
No sense of rhythm, needs work, says the man.


practice more maybe.
coffee at Bachmaiers, not good. too bad.

Buy four brezeln, crispy fresh.
Go home.
dizzy,


"doctor please, some more of these"

choose day

tangle with a sleep monitor measuring the heart measuring oxygen measuring air output. In dead silence, all night. Four plastic tubes and a box.
Off at seven, pack it away, return it later.
son up at seven, day may be sunny too.
Wife up feels good, make coffee , drink it cold.
son at school.
butter on bread,
tablet,
car.

return that monitor
wonders of science
will speak out
something

hypocrates monday

wake up , short sleep, day break.
Son up, wife up, quick noise, hurry sounds.
blurr in the background.
son to school,
short walk, long day.

Wife blond and curly.
wow. how?
Science.

Says something about shirley  temple,
covers head, change too great.

Make fresh coffee.
bad idea
too bad.

ring work
sick.

mental

and dental too

di manch mala

sunday light, grey light, lighting the window sill, illness lit through the panes of glass, pains in head eyes throat, silly tissy ninny whistle tussy tinny in the head want to stay in bed.

would be funny film for others to see, filly sizzle sneeze, two hundred per hour air microbe mixture ejection speeding into the firmament
toothache too. too much.


Sunday is going to be

ossom

flohmarkt fleaday

upat eight flohmarkt date,
wife up  son up oh.
Coffee made  all ready to go.
forget tablet, son wants another old computer,
no idea no idea, hurry carkey, comb hair.
confused stress
no sense and no structure today.
sit and drink a second cup, son has his shoes on.
go to flea market look at junk


what a mess, what confusion what hurry.
insane
unhealthy

oct3-UNIFICATION-DAY

comemoratio.
bed tinny hissi dis-disaster
disco disconcentrated mind
the world rotates a potato shaped globe
a roglobe potato


nine
get up
go bathroom
son up
Latin homework.
loves it.
must be a good teacher
at his school.

two weeks sick leave
sudden.
doc serious.

ugh
breakfast

doctor thursday

at five beep.
hit the clock,
on the knob.

at five oh five
beep.
squeeze the secret button
OK.

at seven sons alarm
wife gets up
son gets up
prepared, grab bag,
walk to school


get up at nine
dizzy
shower.
tablet.
wife's coffee,
wife ill too?
what's wrong?
drink

Martins bells three.
find shoes two,
bag onde,

docday

day three, year two week eleven

1.10.14

        open the window at three, listen to the rain splashing in the yard, a relaxing sound. Disturbed sleep tonight. No remembered dreams, Hear Martins bell at four, they do not ring after midnight until then . Lets people sleep. There are enough other bells sounding in all of those other towers in the town.

        get up and shower at five. It is dark out, of course; and the pain has stopped. Find clothes and a fallen Euro. lights out, gather the things in the Hallway.. Listen, the rain has started again.

        Umbrella fumbling leaving for the street, two bells from Saint Martins. The street is full of shiny cobbles and puddles, the surfaces of which are constantly in movement, dimpled by the impact of the raindrops..

        Streets are empty of people today, the rain has stopped today's play.

        The woman at the bus stop, with her leopard skin print scarf is in the shelter today. Shop girls pass, carrying umbrellas, sharing them too. The rain is an insult to them. A driver of a motor-scooter passes by on her vehicle, wrapped in a plastic raincoat.

        The bus is late, just a bit,.

        The station bare, smokers have retired under the porch awnings,. A girl most similar to the one yesterday is serving in "the cafe, but this one smiles all the time, and is very fast indeed. An Anastasia. Moustachio!, Hedgehog and The long haired bag girl are there, idling on their barstools.. On leaving for the train hold the door for the one following.

She says

"Thank you."